i was only for to die beside

A tiny piece of writing

2013-02-05T02:16:00.002-08:00

She ran her fingers through her hair, slowly, every piece untangling and falling naturally back into place.
James was sure he had never seen someone so undoubtedly beautiful in his life, it wasn't the obvious beauty that he gazed at in magazines, she had flaws - the dimples in her thighs that displayed she treated herself on occasion, her straight hair, dark chestnut in colour, fell just below her breasts, her nose, to some, looked on the larger side, the pale blue of her eyes provided her with an air of intensity toned down only by the warmness of her smile - all of these elements added to her beauty and seemed to fit her perfectly.
James wanted, in that moment, so badly to speak to her - to tell her how her beauty was mesmerizing - but held back on all accounts, for someone who was that beautiful ought never know. In these cases, knowing can be precisely the wrong thing for someone - no one deserves the pressure to be held under the tree of beauty, and he did not want to burden her with that.

Positive energy

2013-01-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

I really really believe in positive energy. Obviously it doesn't solve everything, and it's ridiculously hard to muster up when you're constantly having a hard time. I'm used to having a hard time, I am, but I think it's really important to try and stay positive in almost every circumstance.

I'm often the first person to think "well, nothing good is going to come of this, this sucks (blah blah blah)" and I can get in really horrible, negative head spaces, but I think with a great variety of things that happen you can find some positive element within it.

I know quite a few people with mental illness, I struggle with horrible body image and it often becomes so bad that all I want to do is rip the skin and fat off my body - but these are the things that me (we) have to work on.

When I think of waking up every single day and feeling like a whale, when every flaw I have is magnified and it often stops me from having fun, I imagine myself at 24 (I don't know why that age), when I will have worked constantly on accepting myself for who I am, and I imagine that I will have finally accepted myself for who I am. Right now it fucking sucks that I have to deal with it, but in the end, something good will hopefully come from it.

Anyway, this has been a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but I think it's really important to always hold on to hope - it's so dire to believe that one day things will be better. Those thoughts will keep you pushing through today and tomorrow and probably the next couple of years, but one day it will be worth it, and you will be so glad you stayed positive and pushed on.

"You're gay"

2013-01-08T17:54:00.004-08:00

I just need to get something off my chest - why is "you're gay" even considered an insult? I mean, for something to be an insult it actually has to be insulting, right?
I don't really understand the use of this as an insult. I would consider someone saying "you're gay" as an insult on the same ground as someone saying to me "you like the colour pink" or "you have blonde hair", it's not something you can change.

I understand that it has been derived from total homophobia, but we're supposed to live in an age where the majority of people are supposedly for gay rights, so, why are people still using the words "gay" and "fag" as insults?

I would also like to know why the main argument for gay rights is "it's not a choice" (actually, if I'm asking questions, I'd like to know why there has to be an argument at all). I absolutely understand that it's not a choice, but even if it were, there is nothing wrong with loving someone, or wanting to love someone, of the same sex. I mean, "straight" people don't miraculously decide that they're going to be straight, so why would anyone decide to be gay, bisexual, queer, transgendered etc.

Where do you even draw the line between straight, gay, queer etc.? Someone could consider themselves straight, but also view someone of the same sex "hot" or attractive, so would that immediately make them queer or bisexual? I don't know, but I don't think it's anyone's business if it's their life.

I think if people of the LBGTQ community have to "come out", then shouldn't straight people have to as well? Shouldn't we all have to tell people "what" we are?

I'm sick of society telling everyone they prove themselves or defend themselves for what they are. I'm tired of gay being used as an insult or a synonym for shitty. It's not. It's awesome to be gay, or straight, or queer, or transgendered, or bisexual, or anything if that's what you are.

There's nothing better than being you, and no one should ever have to apologise for that.

#unlesstheyreareallyshittyperson

Music

2013-01-04T21:17:00.001-08:00

I'm sure many, thousands of people, feel like this, but I don't think it's talked about enough.

I think the magic of music is something indescribable, the way in which a song can really make you feel. I think that's ridiculously awesome (excuse the lack of intelligent adjectives, but I'm a teenager so 'awesome' seems to be fitting).

The fact that I can listen to Calgary by Bon Iver and be taken back to April when I saw them perform is amazing. Or the fact that I can listen to Mumford & Sons and have a rush of emotions make their way into my insides that I felt while I was living in America.
How does that happen? I honestly don't understand how I can feel so much just due to instruments and voice combined.
I mean, feelings associated with songs, no matter what the song, are amazing.

I've realised, recently, that to calm myself down I can listen to Demi Lovato. I honestly don't care if people would consider that "lame" because she's helped me through so much. Just having her on in the background makes me feel better.
A few nights ago I was experiencing absolute anxiety over nothing in particular and it wasn't going away - I put on Miss. Lovato and, although it didn't vanish, it eased.

I think people often underestimate the power of music. I'm not arguing that it can cure cancer or bring world peace - but it can make people feel better about not only the world but also themselves, and I think that's pretty darn great.

C.O.I. NYC

2012-11-13T05:38:00.001-08:00

Recently I was surfing the Internet and came across the new label C.O.I. NYC. 

They seem to enjoy their PUNs and use their wittiness to play on well known labels such as Givenchy

And Balenciaga 

These shirts tend to remind me of the infamous COMME des FUCKDOWN shirts/hats reflecting COMME des GARÇONS that I have been eyeing for quite some time now.  

I suppose when it comes to PUNs I'm a bit of a sucker - Dad jokes seem to be my favourite and I'm the type of loser who enjoys laughing at her own one liners. 

As I'm all those things I'm also a bit of a stingy bitch and am not particularly willing to spend $60 on these beauties if I can't try them on in person. So, I suppose, unless I find a job that pays a lot (or, preferably, win the Lotto) I won't have my hands on one of these for a while. 

The interesting thing about the brand is that, according to NYMag, the designers prefer to stay anonymous. I suppose it's understandable if their jobs are at risk but I, personally, would be quite proud of my wittiness and would be plastering it all over my Tumblr and Facebook (I suppose I don't have a job to worry about though).

Anyway, if you wanted to buy one of these fabulous shirts (there are 3 so far) head to the C.O.I. NYC Website and when you purchase maybe you could possibly type "2" into the quantity and send one this way? That would be much appreciated.

I'm going to lay my beautiful head to sleep as I'm going shoe shopping with mum tomorrow and don't want to fall asleep on the job. 

Goodnight! 

In light of the last post...

2012-11-08T03:54:00.002-08:00

I'd like to say I'm going to miss my baby Maggie so much. She was such a lovely, genuine, loyal, amazing (every positive adjective) dog and I cannot imagine what life will be like without her. I'm not religious at all, but I hope she is somewhere with a tennis ball and a field of lush, green grass for her to run in with all the feeling and strength in her legs. I miss her already and just want to give her a hug. 

Rest in peace Maggie, you will be forever in our hearts and a valuable member of our family. 

Death

2012-11-08T03:30:00.001-08:00

Death.

It’s the one thing in life that is inevitable – yet, somehow, we tend to believe it is the one thing that will never happen to us. 

I’m 18. The length of death I have known is my friend’s fathers, my cousin’s father’s and, more recently, my lifelong pet’s.  

I can’t grasp how people go on after the death of a loved one. When, two years ago, one friend revealed to me the death of another friend’s father (who was on the other side of the world) I could hardly manage it. The agony of knowing someone you love so much is in such deep pain is indescribable. To this day I wish I were there for her so I could hug her and hold her.

When the day comes that I have to deal with the death of a loved one I’m unaware of how I’ll handle it. I do not believe I will deal with it well. My dog has just passed on and I’ve completely blocked out the feelings – this seems to be how I go about everything. My mum has been seated close by sobbing whilst my eyes have remained dry. I want to cry. I love crying, yet I find it such an uneasy task. 

No one wants to experience death or pain. No one wants to obtain the knowledge that their friends and family are hurting because the life of someone has been lost to the world. I don’t want to have to hold my mother because her mother has passed. I don’t want to tell my friend “everything will be okay” after her father has passed on. I know life will move on, but that doesn’t change that she is hurting in that moment. 

I want to take all the pain away from everyone. I want to make sure my friends and family never hurt. I want to know their laughs are eternal and their smiles may well be tattooed on their face because that is what is beautiful. But I can’t do that. 

I’ll have to deal with death one day, and when the day comes I hope I’m okay. 

P.s. I need to learn how to write. 

New room

2012-11-02T23:12:00.002-07:00

The other day my mother stated something to me that actually quite shocked me – “you don’t like change”.

I don’t know why it has left such a mark on my thoughts over the past few days… After all, there is nothing wrong with enjoying things to stay the same, but I would not consider myself someone who is opposed to change, I would actually say quite the opposite.

Change has a positive effect on me – be it changing my hairstyle or moving houses. Moving countries would really be one of the most exciting things I could think of. 

I now sit and ask myself – what is it about change that pleases me so much? 

I’ve come to half a conclusion that for a few days it feels as though I’m living someone else’s life. For those days that the new hairstyle has not exactly “set in” or the bus that I catch is no longer the 769 but the 788 I feel as though I’m either living a double life or that I’ve left my old life behind and have embarked on a new journey.

I have no problems with my life at the moment, yet I’ve just moved into my sister’s old room and I feel on top of the world. Things are different and that pleases me. Is it the sad memories that I have left behind in the room not two doors away? Or is it the painful years of adolescence that have left their mark on that old room that please me so much to leave? Whatever it is about that room, it’s has me doing jumping jacks to be out of there.

The old room was good to me though; it put up with me when I was messy and held my tears in so my mother couldn’t hear me crying. It enabled me to express myself. For two years I stuck the number of population of the earth on it’s face and a few years later it was tattooed with the word “Always” to express my love for Harry Potter. I’ve crawled through its windows when I’ve left my key inside and I’ve called my dad from it when there was a spider on the door refusing my departure. 

I suppose all I can take from the room is the knowledge that bad things will happen wherever you are and you’re not going to avoid them just because of a change of scenery. Change is good for the soul but too much change can prove itself harmful. Be happy with what you have and smile when you have the chance, enjoy your room while you’re in there and embrace a new one when you move out! 

A text post

2012-11-02T03:12:00.001-07:00

As the entire thirteen years of my schooling life draw to a close I find myself considering what has been achieved, what I could have done differently and what changes could have been made.

I am a person with very strong opinions, I do not believe in regrets and I do not believe that you should change yourself for other people (unless, of course, you've got some questionably shitty views on matters of the world) and this has led me to relentless acceptance of myself and acceptance that I cannot change my personality.

At an age far too young I have had to deal uncommon, yet not unheard of issues. I have had to fight myself and challenge myself constantly. I have had to turn my life on its head and completely rediscover who I am.
I feel as though the people I surround myself with are extremely intellectual thinkers and reflect positively upon me, thus helping me in unconditional acceptance of myself - even when it's incredibly hard.

I observe other people my age groundlessly seeking things that will not improve their happiness. Things that are so futile in the question of their existence.
No one is going to refuse to date you because your thighs touch or because you have dimples on your butt. No one is going to refuse to be your friend because you don't have a flat stomach, and, to be so blatantly honest, if they did, why the fuck would you want to date them or befriend them? Happiness will not come through the methods magazines seem to preach. 

I have been there. I have held the belief that losing weight will create some new version of me, some version that was underneath the excesses of health and that had been dying to come out for 15 long years. A version of myself that was outgoing, beautiful and happy. When I didn’t discover that girl I got mad, I didn’t know where she was hiding and why she wouldn’t come out. She wasn’t there. She isn’t there. And I’m okay with that, because I’ve found a pretty amazing girl in her place.

There is no way that losing weight has brought me to where I am. I’ve had to work on myself as an individual. I’ve had to accept that I’m not a particularly outgoing person, that I’m introverted and that a lot of the greatest people I know are introverted as well. I have fun when I am around people and I enjoy meeting new people. But that does not change the fact that I’d rather sit at home reading on a Friday night than going out.

I’m not saying this is a better way of being, or that it is worse. It’s just different. I won’t passively stand by while people tell me that I’m a “loser” anymore. When people refer to me as “weird” I actually quite enjoy it – who wouldn’t want to be weird? 

Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being normal, but I have found that my life is far more exciting because I’m strange. If I were normal I wouldn't have traveled to the United States at 15 to live with a family I’d never met (who, it turns out, were not quite “suited” to me). I would not dance around my house when I’m home alone listening to Beyoncé, and the people whom I’m close to would probably be strangers to me.

If I were normal I would not be me, and I like me. Sure, sometimes I have days in which I ask myself why it just doesn't seem to “click” when I'm doing schoolwork, days in which I wonder why I'm not artistically gifted or why I can't seem to get the words out quite right. 

I'm a strong individual and I'd never want to ask for more. I believe in myself and I will keep pushing. I hope that one-day I will love myself rather than just accept myself, but for now, acceptance is enough.   

elly cheng

2012-08-13T04:23:00.001-07:00

images from www.showtime.arts.ac.uk/ellycheng

there's a world outside

2012-08-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

images from rookiemag

rise: ashley sebok

2012-08-02T04:34:00.000-07:00

images from dazeddigital

girl, interrupted

2012-07-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

the worlds first supermodel

2012-07-29T03:01:00.001-07:00

janice dickinson

various tumblrs

colours

2012-07-28T05:06:00.001-07:00

various tumblrs

cherry blossom girl

2012-07-26T05:47:00.002-07:00

petracollins.com facebook

dana boulos

2012-07-24T21:53:00.001-07:00

images from dana boulos facebook

2012-07-24T05:04:00.001-07:00

2012-07-24T00:42:00.001-07:00

freaks and geeks

2012-07-22T05:30:00.005-07:00

one of my favourite shows! i wish it had more than one season T^T

2012-07-20T18:57:00.002-07:00

images from various tumblrs